When I started the PhD & created this blog, I planned on
using it as a research diary. I imagined that, 3 years hence, I’d have a record
of the whole PhD process. That hasn’t happened, unfortunately—I haven’t been
keeping it up nearly enough. It’s not that I don’t write because I don’t have
time. I have plenty of time—I talk to my family for an hour or so every day,
and I waste plenty of time on Facebook and YouTube.
I don’t update the blog because I have a bit of academic performance
anxiety. I’ve only recently noticed it, and it’s definitely become an issue for
me. Basically, I’m afraid of sounding stupid, or naive, or just plain being
wrong. Looking back on my K-12 years, I’ve always had this problem. I never
volunteered in class, I hated public speaking, and I was always afraid of looking
stupid. But then, ironically, when I was recognised for being bright, I was shy
about getting positive attention, too. I can’t win—I’m anxious either way.
For some people, going online can be an outlet for this IRL
problem. You can be anybody online, which is a very freeing thought. For me,
though, and for this blog, it’s not really freeing. I have very few
readers/followers, and they’re people who know my research field intimately.
They’ll know when I get things wrong and this thought heightens my insecurities
and keeps me from writing.
I’m working on getting over it. For too long now, I’ve been
keeping my head down writing and not making enough progress. Something needs to
change, obviously, and I think updating the blog more frequently might be a
step in the right direction.
5 months to go before hand-in. 2 conferences coming up in
the next few weeks. Several papers and chapters are late (another reason I
don’t write on the blog—I always feel that I should be writing these papers and
chapters, not blogging, especially when my supervisor will see it...very tricky
situation!).
Time to get crackin’.
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